Seven-Day Practical Faith Blog: Apologizing for the Impact You Caused

Why does it feel like people are bad at apologizing to us? Probably for the same reason we're bad at apologizing ourselves.

Deep down, none of us want to be seen as a bad person.

When we offend or injure someone in some way, we don't want to be thought of as a bad person or to feel like a bad person. So, we try to convince the other person - and ourselves - that our intent was not to harm or offend them.

This brings about a terrible apology, frankly. And I've given it myself many times.

It's like saying, "But I didn't mean to rear-end your car! That makes everything OK, right?" The other person would surely say, "Look at my car! It's not OK!"

Imagine that other car is the other person's feelings. Or whatever it is we have damaged. In that light, it feels like a ridiculous argument to focus on our intent.

We also have to consider that when we focus on intent to soothe ourselves, we have now put the wounded person in a position where they must take care of our anxiety. So, not only did we impact them, but they must address our feelings before, or if, theirs get addressed.

Psychotherapist Karen Grierson points out an even worse case. "Non-apologies tied to defending intent are further hurtful because they create a dynamic in which ONLY the offender’s intent has any validity or relevance to the exchange in progress," Grierson says. "This has the unfortunate effect of pushing the other party out of the exchange, effectively 'punishing' them for having a reaction."

We go to extremes to protect ourselves, even when we have harmed others.

Harriet Lerner, author of "Why Won't You Apologize?", identifies words or phrases we shouldn't use in an apology:

• "But" or "If" - These not only undermine the apology but may make it seem like the offended person's feelings are invalid.

• "I'm sorry you feel that way" - This classic response focuses on the other person's response to the incident, not your responsibility for causing it.

• Anything that implies everything is fine since you have apologized. But you may have to go further to repair what you harmed.

We're headed in the right direction when we acknowledge impact rather than explain intent. It's better to leave intent out of the discussion altogether.

Jesus didn't talk about our intent, but rather healing the relationship, in our core passage of Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV):

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

So, what should we say in an apology to heal the situation? I'll share a classic model in my next post.

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