Seven-Day Practical Faith Blog: Anatomy of an Apology

Who does the work during an apology? The offending person or the offended person?

When we are in the wrong, we may think extracting a statement of forgiveness from the offended person is the goal. Then everything is right.

I once had someone seek my forgiveness by saying, "If I have ever done anything to harm you, I apologize." That wasn't good enough for me. I felt this person had actually done several harmful things and weren't acknowledging them. Fortunately, when I challenged them, we had a good conversation that settled things.

Let's look at a couple of models for properly apologizing and seeking forgiveness.

Maimonides, a Jewish philosopher and Rabbinic scholar in the 12th century, defined five steps toward forgiveness.

1. Confession - naming and owning the harm.

2. Change - starting to change and transform.

3. Accepting the consequences - restitution and suffering consequences

4. Apology - asking for forgiveness

5. Choice - making a different choice when the time comes again.

A few years ago, I apologized for harm I had done. Part of that apology was this fifth step of choice. I promised to not do the same again to them AND to not to do the same to anyone, describing a better approach I would take instead. And I have kept that promise.

Guy Winch, Ph.D., defined his own apology model in Psychology Today magazine:

1. A clear statement of sorrow

2. An expression of regret for what happened

3. An acknowledgement that social norms or expectations were violated

4. An empathy statement acknowledging the full impact of our actions on the other person

5. A request for forgiveness

This is pretty good, especially because it focuses on impact rather than intent, but step 4 doesn't go as far as Maimonides's step 3 of restitution.

A very important aspect of both models is we request forgiveness toward the end, not the beginning. Also, the granting of forgiveness is not mandatory. We should request forgiveness, but the result is not up to us.

I realize we can feel awkward or misaligned with God if the person doesn't forgive us, especially because of the core passage of Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV), where Jesus said:

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

But as I said in the first post of this series, Jesus's key word is "reconcile." Reconciliation takes both people. An offended person may see us as toxic or have a hardness of heart about forgiving. If we follow the model of a proper apology with full-heartedness and make proper restitution but are still shunned, then we have done what we can.

The point is, we should not be focused on the outcome of receiving forgiveness but on doing our part to properly apologize and repair. As Rick Hightower explains in his book, "Running While Black," we should avoid an approach that seeks forgiveness but requires little from us:

I am dumping the need to fix this on the person who was harmed. They are fixing this by offering forgiveness to me. I am not required to do anything.

When we are wrong, let us do the work of reconciliation and repair by using a proper model of an apology.

Properly apologizing should be a component of our faith walk as we treat neighbors as ourselves. My latest free gift, The Practical Faith Game Plan, establishes the basics for living a seven-day practical faith. It's a short but deep read, giving you tangible steps to put your faith into daily practice. Receive it by registering via the pop-up box at CecilTaylorMinistries. com.