I had never been so frightened in my life. I was fearful to the point of making irrational decisions.
Midway through Sara's rough first pregnancy, things got worse. A diabetic, she struggled to maintain tight control over her blood sugar, especially considering the technology of the time. The best she could do was test seven times per day and continually tweak.
But things went haywire one day. While I was at work, Sara's blood sugar dropped to its lowest level, before or since; she was unconscious and dying. When Sara didn't answer the phone, I raced home to discover the situation and apply a shot of glucagon that escalated her sugar and saved her and our baby's lives.
After that, I was fearfully controlling and distracted. My job performance nosedived. I made erratic, inexplicable decisions. For example, I drove through a stop sign with a police officer clearly parked nearby; I saw neither as my mind raced on keeping my loved ones safe. I completely panicked one day when Sara didn't answer the home phone in these pre-cell phone days. I went home to find her gone. I called friends near and far to learn if they had seen her, then she walked in after a trip to the grocery store.
Sara scolded me that I shouldn't control her every movement. I went and sat on the patio, heart still racing, contemplating the remaining months of pregnancy and what they would be like.
I sat long enough to watch the sun decline until it hovered just above the horizon. It was then I made a decision.
I said to God, "I don't know how to make a baby, Lord. Only you can do that. I hand over control of my wife and my baby to you. I accept that they are in your hands, even if they may not survive, and I'll be left all alone. But I trust that you will be with them and with me, and that I will be able to accept whatever outcome occurs."
Certainly, I continued supporting my wife in every way. But the feeling was different: I became more peaceful and clear-minded. I trusted that God was watching over all of our lives, whatever happened.
I know that many of you are fearful. Your reasons for fear are varied and personal, but still, the common denominator is fear, one of the greatest challenges for the Christian.
I don't dismiss your fear. I'm not going to tell you it's all going to be OK. All I can tell you is that as someone who experienced overwhelming, continuous, life-altering fear, I received peace by leaning totally on God. I reasonably continued striving for the outcome I wanted, but I wasn't consumed by fear any longer. Thankfully, our family received a healthy outcome, but I believe that because I trusted in God, I could have accepted whatever fate came our way.
I wish the same for you.
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